Providence
by CSIsnickers101
Summary: Sequel to Deception - All is well for the Stokes family until the worse happens... x
1. Always In Sync

Providence

Disclaimer - I still don't own CSI. However, I do own Nick and Sara's fabulous children that I made up. If only the writers' had been on the same wavelength as the rest of us, there wouldn't be any need for making up their children, Nick and Sara would have done that themselves…

A/N: Hey, me again. I'm back, hold the applause ;). But I'm not back with any old story, oh no, I'm back with a sequel to Deception. I can only apologise that it has taken me over 9 months to come up with a decent idea and run with it. It's set roughly 2 and a half years after Deception, slightly less but you get the idea, and still from Sara's POV. Enjoy.

Always In Sync

"Happy birthday dear, Olivia. Happy birthday to you," we all sang happily as we celebrated Olivia's second birthday, all with smiles on our faces.

"Blow out the candles, sweetie," Nick insisted softly, the camera in his hands poised and ready to take a picture of the crucial moment.

And Olivia tried her best, bless her, but at the tiny age of two it was a little bit of a struggle. But thankfully Isla was right behind her and gave her sister a hand. The room erupted into cheers followed by three rounds of 'Hip hip? Hooray!'. What a little family we had turned out to be.

But families are hardly ever simple, that would be far too easily. So sadly our family was the same. And while we had had problems, we had worked through them. It wasn't easy or happened automatically overnight; it took time and effort and more importantly trust. But it had happened, we had done it. We had worked it all out. Kind of. Perhaps for the sake of baby number five...

Almost a sense of déjà vu, being pregnant again for the fourth time was enjoyable but I felt so incredibly guilty. I thought I could have done something terrible to my baby inadvertently. From all the stress I was under during my little 'hiccup' with Nick, I hadn't even considered the fact that I could have been pregnant again. I wasn't eating right or sleeping right or even considering myself for a second during those rough two months.

However, once that was all sorted out, and I put my insecurities back in their box, we could finally move on and get somewhere. And while at first I did consider that I had only forgiven Nick and let things go back to how they were after discovering I was accidentally pregnant, again, I soon knew the real reason. I loved him. He loved me. And there was nothing we could do about that. There was no way we could change our feelings for each other. Some people fall out of love, but not us, not after everything we'd been through; I wasn't gonna let that happen.

So five months and two weeks after Nick and I renewed our wedding vows, Olivia Katherine Stokes entered the world. She was beautiful, and a week late, which didn't go down well with me at all. There is only so much pregnancy I could take. I instantly fell in love with her. It was all in the eyes. In what has now been over twelve years I had been pregnant four times. And it was staying at four times if I had my way.

"We make pretty damn amazing kids, don't you think?" Nick whispered as he watched Ava take over and start to cut Olivia's birthday cake into appropriately sized pieces.

I chuckled lightly. "Funny, I was just think the same thing."

"See, always in sync," he grinned.

I just nodded, mindlessly watching our children interact with each other.

"So, Warrick said he'll be round later, gotta finish off a case. Greg will be over in a little while as well, has to help in the lab. And Catherine said she will drag Grissom over here in a few hours if she has too," Nick explained, handing out plates for the birthday cake. "How's that sound?"

"Fine by me," I shrugged.

"Can we go out for lunch? With them? Can they come with us?" Maddie asked.

"I don't know, what does Liv think?" Nick smiled as he looked down at his youngest daughter.

Olivia shyly smiled back, mumbling something no one really understood. She was talking, she knew how to, but sometimes she made absolutely no sense at all. Catherine said it was because we were babying her more than the others, with her being our last child and all, to which Nick responded with 'Who said she'd gonna be our last?' Naturally, I slapped him.

"So where do you fancy?" I asked, open to any suggestions.

"Ooh, can we go to that new Chinese place?" Ava asked. "It's suppose to be amazing."

"But I don't like Chinese," Isla whined.

"Okay, so not Chinese," Nick stated. "What about Indian?"

"Yeah, because Olivia's favourite food is a hot chicken tikka masala," I rolled my eyes. "This has to be about her too. It's her birthday, remember?"

"Well, it happens to be one of my favourite foods," Maddie grinned.

"No," I shook my head.

"What about Italian?" Dylan joined in. "Everyone loves pizza, right?"

"Yah," Olivia nodded excitedly. "Pizza."

"Well done, buddy," Nick praised. "Nice compromise."

"Everyone okay with that?" I asked to be sure.

After a few grumbled responses, I assumed we were all in agreement. For once.

"Well then, it's settled. Pizza it is," Nick announced.

"I'm having the giant pepperoni one," Maddie insisted, shoving a spoonful of cake into her mouth. "And I'll eat all of it."

"Well, we'll see about that," I smiled. "You might not have any room left after all that cake."

"Oh, mum, I'll always have room."

I rolled my eyes at Maddie's persistence. And huge appetite. I often had to remind her of the saying 'eyes bigger than your belly' but she always refused to listen. She was her daddy's daughter alright.

"Anyway," I sighed lightly and brought the conversation back on track. "Let's just hope they get here in time, and actually want to go with us."

Nick nodded in agreement and we all fell into a comfortable silence as we hurried to eat our slices of cake.

"P'ease may I leave the table?" Olivia asked politely as she finished.

"Of course you can, sweetie. If you're sure you're finished?" Nick smiled.

"Uh huh," she nodded happily.

"Well, all right then," he mocked an exasperated sigh. "But I'd be quick if I were you; Ava's the toy snatcher."

"Hey!" Ava scowled. "That's not fair."

Nick shrugged as Olivia gasped in shock and dashed off into the living room like the Road Runner, in search of her newly opened presents.

"Me too, please?" Isla asked.

"Yeah, off you go," I nodded. "All of you."

"Yay, I'm gonna go snatch some toys," Ava smirked at her dad as she got up and walked past.

"Well, you're not having any of mine," Isla insisted as she and her twin brother followed suit and stood up.

Nick chuckled.

"Play nice, girls," I warned gently.

"Don't we always?" Maddie asked innocently.

And she too bounded off into the living room, leaving Nick and I to tidy up the mess in the kitchen. As always.

"I'm gonna get ya," Ava announced playfully from inside the living room.

"No, Ava, no," Olivia shrieked.

Nick was about to say something when his phone began to ring. He knew what that meant, and frowned when he answered it.

"Stokes."

"Hey, Nick. It's me," Warrick stated.

"I noticed."

"You know I hate to do this to you, man, but two bodies have just been found in connection with my seemingly never-ending case," he explained.

"I thought your case was a simple breaking and entering?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, it was. But it just got a lot more interesting," Warrick sighed. "Greg is on his way but I need your help too. I'm really sorry."

"Hey, don't worry about it, these things happen," Nick shrugged. "It's not like you planned it."

"Trust me, I didn't," Warrick insisted.

"So where am I headed?" Nick asked.

"Go to the lab and get a lift with Greg, I think he's still there," Warrick suggested.

"I think I can do that."

"I'll see you in a little while then," Warrick nodded.

"Yep, I'll be there," Nick agreed.

"Oh, and say 'happy birthday' to Olivia for me," he said before putting the phone down.

"So?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Warrick needs help," Nick stated simply. "My help."

"And why not Greg's?" I asked, not at all happy.

"He's going too," he answered. "You know it can't be helped. I'm sorry."

I let out a deep sigh. "I know. But you have to be the one who tells Liv."

"I will," he nodded and walked through to the living room, coming to a stop at the doorway.

"Daddy," Olivia smiled. "Come and play."

"I really wish I could, darlin', but I gotta go to work for a little bit. I shouldn't be too long and when I get back you can show me all of your new toys, okay? How does that sound?" Nick tried to explain to his two year old.

"Oh, o'ay," she sulked.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," he sighed.

"It's o'ay, Daddy," Olivia smiled a toothy smile, ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, more like his legs, and hugged him.

"Oh, and Uncle Warrick says happy birthday," Nick smiled down at her.

Olivia giggled and went back to the toy doll she had been playing with.

"Bye then, Dad," Ava huffed.

"I'm sorry," he shrugged. "But have fun without me."

"Yeah, we always do," Maddie added.

Nick walked back out the room and nearly crashed into me as I stood behind him. Not that I minded.

"Right then, I'll see you later," Nick stated as he made a move for the door.

"Hey, come here," I smiled, pulling him towards me and planting a kiss on his lips. "See you later."

"Always."

About an hour later:

"Hey, ssshh!" I hissed in hopes of silence as I reached for the ringing phone. "Hello."

"Is it Daddy?" Isla asked.

"Shh and I'll find out," I insisted before speaking into the phone again. "Nick?"

"No, it's Catherine," she said, almost sorrowful.

"Oh," I said, nearly matching her tone of voice. "Are you alright?"

"Um… well, it's uh, it's not me you should be worrying about," Catherine stuttered.

"What are you talking about? Cath, you're starting to scare me now," I chuckled nervously.

"Um… there really is no easy way to say this, at all, so I'm just gonna get it over with," she gulped. "Nick has been involved in a car accident on the way to the lab. A drink driver, I think. He's been taken to hospital but it doesn't look good."

"No! No, please tell me this is some kind of a joke," I begged.

"I really, really wish it was, Sara. I'm so sorry," Catherine sniffled.

I was silent, lost for words, with tears welling up in my eyes. This could not be happening. Not today. Not any day, for that matter.

"Do you want me to come and pick you and the kids up?" Catherine asked.

"Please, I can't drive right now," I sniffled.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Catherine stated. "He'll be alright, Sara. He's a fighter, remember? He always has been and he always will be. He's got something to fight for. He's got you, and the little family you've created. He won't give up."

I nodded, forgetting I was on the phone but then instantly hung up the moment the line went dead.

"Mum, what is it?" Ava asked, seeing the lack of colour in my face.

"It's um… it's your Dad. He was in a car accident," I started blankly.

"He's alright though, right?" Maddie immediately asked.

I couldn't reply, I physically couldn't make the words form. I couldn't find the words to tell them what could happen next. No parent should ever have to. I felt sick to my stomach. This could not be happening.

"Mum, he's alright, right?" Maddie asked again. "Dad's okay?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "But he's been taken to hospital."

Thank you for reading. Well, what a first chapter. Would it be all that surprising if I said I cried as I wrote this? It's nervous being back, continuing with a story I sort of wanted to have ended with Deception. But here I am anyway. And I would really appreciate it if you could let me know what you thought of this. Review please.


	2. You Meant Everything To Him

Disclaimer - I unfortunately don't and never will own CSI.

A/N: Oops! Okay so I might have accidentally deleted this last week before I could post it. But you know, whatever. And I've been fighting with my laptop all week to give it me back. Anyway, all sorted now. I just hope you think it was worth the fight. Enjoy!

You Meant Everything To Him

"No. Now you listen to me!" Warrick demanded. "I might not be an actual relative but I think of that man as a brother so you are gonna tell me something, anything, about how he's doing. Now. Or I'll take it up with your superiors."

"Warrick, leave it," Greg tried to pry him away from the nurses station where he was practically screaming at a trainee nurse who refused to tell them anything because they weren't family. "We'll just have to wait."

"I really am sorry, sir," the nurse said calmly. "I can't tell you anything."

"That's it. You won't just not be able to tell me anything, when I'm done with talking to people who actually have a say in this damn hospital you'll never be able to work here ever again!"

"Warrick, please. Who is this helping?" Greg asked.

"Well, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better," he insisted, bitterly.

"Come on, calm down," Greg sighed, making his way to some chairs in the waiting area and sat down. "No news is good news, right?"

"I guess," Warrick shook his head and sat down too. "I'm sorry for overreacting like that. But we are as good as his family, despite what that stupid nurse says."

"Speaking of family, have they been told?" Greg asked. "You know, his mum and sisters?"

"I don't know. I know Cath phoned Sara, obviously, but whether she took time to call his mum…," Warrick just shrugged. "But I'd hate to be the one to make that call."

Meanwhile:

I sat in the front seat of Catherine's car, letting everything but my own thoughts filter out. Even the shuddery sobs of Isla in the backseat as she thought of the worse that the car accident could mean. How I wanted to just hold her tightly in my arms and promise her everything was gonna be alright. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to potentially lie to her, to any of them. I didn't have it in me to tell them everything was going to be alright in case it wasn't, in case…

I tried to stay positive but it was so hard. What with Catherine's words ringing in my ears …_it doesn't look good_. How could she just tell me something like that? And over the phone? That was just Catherine, I guess. And if I had to choose between being lied to and having the truth thrust at me like that, no matter how bad it may be, I would always choose to know the truth. Does that make me selfish? I would rather know that the man I love was possibly on the edge of life and allow myself to be prepared for the worse than be told a tiny white lie and allow myself a glimmer of hope? Yeah, that was selfish.

When we arrived at the hospital, everything continued to be a blur. Catherine talking to the receptionist. The receptionist telling us what ward Nick was on. The short journey in the elevator. Everything. It was a living nightmare. I hated it. I hated not being able to actually do anything. I was numb, in an extreme state of shock. Which is understandable, right? If you've just been told your husband has been involved in a car crash and might not make it, how would you feel?

Meanwhile:

"Hey, he's not dead yet," Greg stated defensively.

"No, you're right," Warrick nodded, preying he sounded even just a little bit hopeful. "This hospital has brought all five of his kids into the world. It can save him. This place will save him."

Greg sighed. "You don't sound very convincing."

"That's because Sara and the kids are walking straight towards us," Warrick stated, slowly standing up.

"Any news?" Catherine asked immediately.

"Nothing, they won't tell us a thing 'cause we're not family," Warrick answered, casting a glance at Sara.

I inhaled deeply before speaking. "I'll speak to them. See if they can say I'm not family."

Warrick nodded. "Want us to take the kids into the family area?"

"Please," I nodded.

"No, mum, we want to stay with you," Maddie insisted. "We want to know Dad's okay."

I broke down completely hearing that name. Dad. He'd once told me that despite the fact that he always wanted to be one he never actually thought it would come true. And now, he had five little monsters calling him it. I knew how much to meant to him. And now, how much it meant to me.

"Come on, I'm sure they'll have toys in the waiting room," Greg insisted, picking up Olivia and starting to walk away.

"Go on, follow him," Catherine insisted, and the others followed slowly, sniffling as they went.

Greg turned around to make sure the others were following him. I looked over my shoulder and mouthed 'Thank you', the only thing I could think of to say.

Next thing I know Warrick is embracing me in a bear hug and my tears are flowing faster. I could only blame the fact that now the kids couldn't see me get upset, so I let it all out. What else could I do? I sobbed for a good five minutes in the middle of the corridor. Anyone would think that we'd already received bad news. Something I wasn't allowing myself to even consider at the moment.

"Mr. Brown?" a soft voice asked.

I looked up to see a shy looking doctor standing before us. It made me feel sick.

"Is there any news?" Catherine jumped in.

"Is there any family here?" the doctor asked.

"I'm… I'm his wife," I stuttered.

"Right… okay, um…," the doctor composed himself slightly before continuing. "Mrs. Stokes, your husband sustained severe lower chest and abdominal injuries due to the crash. The internal bleeding was extensive. He was rushed into surgery but there was nothing we could do. He didn't make it. I'm terribly sorry."

I froze, and felt the colour from my face drain away as the doctor's words sank in.

"Oh my God," Catherine gasped. "Sara, I'm…"

"Thank you, doctor, I'm sure you did everything you could," my voice was breaking as I began to speak but I barely got the last word out as I collapsed into a chair and burst into hysterical tears. This could not be happening.

I sobbed and sobbed. Warrick sat next to me and tried to comfort me but it was useless. Nothing less than Nick walking through those doors, very much alive, would make everything better. Nothing less than his touch would make me stop crying. By that logic, I was going to be crying for a very, very long time. No, he couldn't really be gone, surely. Surely this hospital could have done something, anything, to have at least given him a fighting chance. He would have fought for his girls, and of course Dylan. He wouldn't have given up. It couldn't be true. Nick couldn't have given up.

I just sat there for a moment, thinking I suppose. He was gone. Nick was gone. It sure had to be a nightmare. This couldn't be real. He couldn't be dead. The father of my children couldn't be dead, he just couldn't. But the doctor said he was. But they didn't know Nicky like I did. He… he just couldn't…

"I'm so sorry we're late," Brass exclaimed as he and Grissom charged their way down the corridor. "How is he?"

I was off again, as if I'd actually stopped, crying into my hands. No, he couldn't be gone. Nick couldn't be dead. He just couldn't. I kept repeating over and over again. After everything he's been through, everything he'd survived, and now just like that he was gone at the hands of a drunk driver on the way to a scene on his daughter's second birthday. Then it hit me, how was I going to tell the kids, tell them their daddy was…

"What?" Grissom asked, taken aback by my uncontrollable tears.

"No, he can't have…," Brass shook his head, guessing what the tears could only mean.

Warrick just nodded.

"He, um, he… he…," Catherine stuttered, fighting her own tears. "He… uh, he didn't make it."

Grissom looked like a dear in headlights. "No, there must be some kind of mistake."

Catherine shook her head. "No, the doctor said…"

"Well the doctor is wrong," Grissom insisted.

I looked up momentarily, my heart almost literally hurting, meeting Grissom's eyes.

"He can't be dead. No, no, not our Nicky, no, there really must be some kind of a mistake. They've confused him with someone else," Grissom continued.

I sniffled a few times, a desperate attempt to control myself for a minute. "I know in here," I started shakily, gesturing at my heart. "that it is true. It hurts too much."

Grissom tried to shake his head again, tried to deny it again, but then it finally hit home. Nick was dead.

About an hour or so of sitting around and crying on people I finally gathered up everything I had left in me and headed to the family waiting area. I hoped the walk would help me think of some way to tell them without it hurting nearly as much as it was hurting me. No parent should ever have to have that type of conversation with their children, whatever the circumstances. It's up there with no parent should bury a child, in my opinion.

As I neared the room, I preyed that my face was expressionless, cold even. If there was any possible way to read me Ava would find it. And she'd find out what had happened just by how I was feeling, and that wasn't fair. I needed to be strong, brave, for them. I needed to be the adult in the situation. I had lost my husband but they had lost their father, and I knew all about that.

I stood at the doorway for a moment to compose my thoughts and then slowly opened the door, taking a deep breath as I did so.

"Mummy," Olivia exclaimed.

I smiled weakly back at her.

"How's Dad?" Maddie asked. "Has the doctor told you anything yet?"

I blinked a few times to try and not start crying again but Ava saw straight through it. As I knew she would.

She took in a shuddery breath as she just looked at me as if to say 'I'm right, aren't I?' And sadly she was, so I nodded lightly.

Ava squeezed her eyes shut, letting the news sink in.

"No!" Maddie cried.

"His injuries…," I tried to explain but in the short term it didn't help at all.

"I'm gonna be sick!" she announced as she ran past me and out the room. It was the shock.

Ava tried to go after her but I put my arm out. "Ava, wait…"

"I need to see if she's okay," Ava insisted, trying to wriggle her way out of my arms as I pulled her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

And with that she got loose and dashed out the room. God, it hurt. Not physically, but very much emotionally. I had to remember she was hurting too.

Greg looked up at me, his eyes questioning me, searching my face. He knew it was true. He stood up and continued looking at me. I only looked away when Isla's tiny voice caught my attention.

"What happened, Mummy?" she asked. "Where's Daddy?"

"Where have Ava and Maddie gone?" Dylan added.

At eight, they were just a little young to understand what was happening without fully being told. There faces were so sad and innocent as I crouched down in front of them and started to think of a child friendly explanation. They must have know something was wrong.

"Well… um, you see, Daddy was really hurt in the car accident. And the doctors tried and tried their very best to make him better but…," I said softly, trying with all my might not to break down in front of them.

"Is Daddy in heaven?" Isla asked, almost as if it were normal.

I gulped. "Yes, Isla, Daddy has gone to heaven. He was to poorly to be saved."

"Dad's gone?" Dylan asked, a lot more hesitantly than his sister.

I nodded, not trusting my voice any longer.

A few hours later:

"Hello," Jillian answered in an even voice.

"Mrs. Stokes?" I asked. I hadn't called her that in years.

Jillian was silent for a moment before letting out a sorrowful sigh. "They say that mothers can tell when something has happened to their baby."

I let out a few muffled sobs involuntarily. "A car accident, would you believe? Out of everything he's been through, all the ways he could have…, it was a damn drink driver."

"Do you know if he was in any pain?" Jillian asked, beginning to cry.

"The doctor said he probably didn't, but he can't be absolutely sure because he died on the operating table," I tried to explain but it was so hard. The story of my life.

"Ava? How's Ava? And Maddie, and Dylan and Isla? Olivia?" she asked.

"Crying so hard I hurt for them," I breathed out to try and stop crying. Yeah, that so worked.

"I should go, go and tell…," Jillian choked out. "I can's believe he's gone!"

"I don't think I ever will," I stated.

"I should… I'm gonna, gonna go," Jillian insisted.

"Yeah. Tell everyone I'm so sorry," I sighed, controlling my tears for a moment.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Jillian argued. "You love him."

"He loved you, all of you. You meant everything to him," I stated, sniffling again.

"No, you meant everything to him. You and your babies meant everything to him," Jillian sniffled a few more times before hanging up and no doubt breaking down entirely. I did, again.

Thank you for reading. Yet again, I cried. I'm pathetic, I know. Anyway, a bit of a morbid chapter but things will get better, you'll just have to keep tuning in to see when and how. Review please.


	3. Just A Bad Dream

Disclaimer - I don't own CSI.

A/N: OMG! I'm so very very sorry for the wait for this chapter! I had severe writers block that no amount of reading would cure. I'm so sorry. I'm not even sure if my mojo is back quite yet but I thought you'd waited enough. Updates will be regular again, I promise. Enjoy.

Just A Bad Dream

The next day eventually came. Unsurprisingly, I hadn't managed to get any sleep, not that I even wanted to. So during the night I'd checked in on the kids. Maddie had eventually cried herself out and fallen to sleep. Ava was pretending to be asleep so I pretended I didn't notice. Dylan and Isla had ended up squished together in one bed to comfort each other, and had found sleep relatively easy. Olivia was the only one who had slept well, but the only one who didn't understand.

"Where's Daddy?" she asked as she saw me lurking in her bedroom doorway at 7 in the morning.

I didn't dare to answer, acting like I hadn't heard her. I felt so guilty. How do you tell a 2 year old that she was never going to see her daddy again? She idolised him, as they all had.

"Come on now, baby. It's too early to get up yet, try and get some more sleep," I insisted softly.

Olivia sighed. "Okay Mummy."

"Do you wanna come into Mummy's bed?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered enthusiastically.

"Come on then," I attempted a smile as she shimmied herself out of her tiny bed.

I lifted her up when she came closer, glad to have someone to hold. We climbed into the double bed and quickly snuggled together. She had a vice grip around my waist; she wasn't letting go. It was as if she knew something, knew what had happened, but wasn't quite aware of what it actually meant. But she soon fell back to sleep.

At around half past 7, a buzzing came out of the alarm clock, set to automatically go off on school days. I thought it was still too early and we didn't exactly have anything to get up for so I stayed where I was. But I heard movement coming from down the hall.

"Go back to bed," I demanded footsteps stopped but I could see shadowed movement before Ava's head poked around the door.

"I can't sleep," she told me gently.

"I know," I replied, sympathetically. "I can't either."

"Is he really gone?" Ava asked, knowing the answer but presumingly searching for some sort of confirmation or perhaps someone to turn around and say 'hey, it wasn't him. Your dad isn't dead.'

"Yeah," I choked out through my millionth wave of sadness.

"What are we going to do?"

"Honestly, Ava, I just don't know," I insisted, trying not to sound too desperate but the pain was still evident in my voice. How was this going to work?

I saw her nod sombrely as she wiped at her eyes. "Um… Could I…"

"Do you wanna get in?" I guessed.

"Please," she sniffled.

I gently shuffled over, hushing Olivia as she started to stir. Ava climbed in and lay on her back, almost on the edge of the bed. It was hard not to be hurt but people grieve differently. I slid closer to her slightly, hoping to wordlessly prove I was there for her.

"Maddie and I were angry with him when we last saw him," Ava stated after a moment of silence. "Remember? We didn't want him to leave and go to work on Liv's birthday. He's done it before, done it to us, left on our birthdays, but somehow we just thought it'd be different this time."

"I know," I nodded slightly. "But you know if there was anywhere he would have rather been it was here, with his family?"

"I still barely acknowledged him as he left, I borderline hated him," she argued, wiping at her eyes again before more tears could fall.

"He knew that you loved him, Ava," I insisted. "Whether you said it or not, he knew."

"How can you be so sure?" she sniffled. "I didn't even get to say goodbye…"

Ava finally broke down and started to cry.

"Angel, he knew. Trust me, your dad knew you all loved him despite what you'd say," I tried to reassure her and not get upset again myself. "And he loved you."

"Did he?"

"Angel, I can't believe you even have to ask," I sighed, rubbing Olivia's arm gently to keep her asleep. "Of course he loved you. He loved all of you. You kids were the single most important thing in his life. He loved you with everything he had."

"Dad loved you too," Ava added.

"I didn't deserve it though," I insisted.

"Sure you did. You were the single most important thing in his life," she insisted sincerely before chuckling slightly. "Second, single most important thing…"

I smiled. "Well, Angel, you did get your people pleasing skills from your dad, that much is for sure."

"Why did Dad always call me Angel?" she asked.

"It was the only term of affection he could think of that started with an A," I smiled wider.

"An A? Why an A?" she asked.

"To go with Ava, I guess…," I shrugged.

Ava laughed. "Okaay…"

"That was how his mind worked sometimes," I paused for a moment. "There was this one time when I was pregnant with you and he put his hand on my bump and spoke and you kicked. He lit up like a light bulb; he was convinced that you were listening to his voice, that you could tell he was your father. They say that a baby can pick up it's mother's voice in the womb and recognise it. I think he was trying to prove baby's could recognise their daddy's voice too. But I told him that you just kicked because you were being spoken to, you were just reacting. Then he had me do an experiment. I was man-handled by nearly every man working that night. Your Uncle Warrick, Uncle Greg, Brass, even Grissom. And I was right, you were just kicking because you had attention, not because you were actually listening to what your dad was saying. Still didn't to this day, did you?"

"Hey, I listened to him… mostly…," Ava shrugged, embarrassed.

"Yeah, right, Ava. You listened to him even less than I did," Maddie commented from the doorway.

"I was never that bad," Ava huffed playfully.

"Did we wake you?" I asked, sitting up slightly, leaning back on my elbows.

"No, the alarm woke me. But I just lay there, listening to you two laughing," Maddie explained, a slightly bitter tone entering her voice. "Wish I could laugh."

"Maddie, just because we're laughing doesn't mean we've forgotten your dad already, it doesn't mean we're not still grieving," I insisted. "You know he'd want us to still be normal, still act normal. He'd want us to still laugh, even though he's gone."

"Yeah. And laughter's said to be the best medicine," Ava added.

"I wish I was ill, because then I could actually get something to stop this… dull, aching pain…," Maddie just about stated through her tears.

I gasped softly. "Oh Maddie. Come here."

She came into the room and climbed over Ava to get to me, nearly shoving Olivia off the bed in the process. I held her in my arms as she cried.

"It's not fair!" she sobbed.

"I know, sweetheart. I know," I whispered and rubbed her back gently.

"Why Dad? Why our dad?" she cried.

"Ssshh," I said softly, hoping to calm her down when I had no idea how to answer her question.

Meanwhile, Ava had moved off the bed to let Maddie have some room and she walked around the bed straight to Olivia who had woken up and didn't know what was going on. Ava lifted her up and gave her little sister a hug before perching herself down on the edge of the bed.

Maddie's tears finally subsided slightly and she pulled away, wiping angrily at her red-rimmed eyes. "I'm sorry…"

"Hey," I smiled weakly, my heart aching at the pain she felt as I reached out and brush away some stray hairs from her face that had stuck to her tear stained cheek. "Don't be sorry. You gotta get it out. No one, especially not me, expects anything less from any of you. You just lost your daddy; it's okay to cry."

"Mum…," Maddie paused to sniffle a few times, to keep herself from crying again. "I miss Dad already."

"I do too, darlin'," I sighed.

"We all do, Maddie," Ava spoke up.

I nodded in agreement and watched as Maddie tried to calm down and regain her composure.

"Where's Daddy?" Olivia asked for the second time that morning, looking thoroughly confused.

I gulped, realising I had to be honest. "Olivia…," I started.

"Mum?" Dylan asked as he appeared at the doorway.

"Hey, Dylan," I smiled, glad to change the subject. "Alarm wake you too?"

"No, you speak really loud," Isla commented, coming into the room.

I laughed lightly. "Do you two wanna come in too?"

"Sure," Dylan agreed.

Soon Dylan and Isla were sat on the bed with the rest of us. It was so lovely yet so sad. It was lovely in the fact that all of us were together in the one room, something which was getting harder and harder as they got older. And sad because the one person who was always eager to do family activities or have family days out wasn't there, couldn't ever be there again. It broke my heart, yet warmed it at the same time. That man, who I could barely say the name of already in fear of becoming emotionally unstable, had given me 5 wonderful children who he was now never going to see grow up.

"Well...," I cleared my throat and shook my head slightly to clear my head. "This is cosy."

"That's one word for it," Ava scoffed, moving her leg to a more comfortable position as Olivia crawled towards me.

"I think it's nice," Isla stated. "Dad would have thought so too."

"Yeah, he would have," I agreed. "He always loved it when you all got along."

"Mum?" Ava asked, bringing my attention to her.

"Hmm?"

"How did you and Dad meet?" she asked.

"Haven't you asked that before?" I wondered.

"No, I don't think so," she shrugged.

"It doesn't ring any bells," Dylan commented.

"Yeah, I think I'd remember if you'd told us," Maddie added.

"So, will you tell us?" Isla asked excitedly.

"Why do you want to know?" I questioned.

"Just curious," Ava smiled, bordering on a smirk.

"Alright," I shrugged, bouncing Olivia on my lap. "But it's not very exciting."

"Oh, I bet it is," Maddie scoffed.

"Okay, well... We told you we were friends before we started dating, didn't we?"

"Yeah, but that's it, that's all we've ever been told," Maddie rolled her eyes. "Now we want details."

"Well, basically... About 11 or so years before Ava was born, I received a call from Grissom, asking me if I wanted to help him investigate one of his CSIs," I started to explain.

"Dad?" Dylan asked, sounding slightly weary.

"No. It was your Uncle Warrick," I answered.

"Uncle Warrick? What did he do?" Maddie wondered, eyebrows furrowed.

"He used to have a gambling problem. And instead of processing a scene with the new rookie he was off placing a bet," I explained as briefly as I could without saying too much. "And the rookie, Holly, had to work scene on her own, a robbery, when the suspect came back and shot her. She died in hospital. So I was asked by Grissom to come to Vegas to find out what had happened and why your Uncle Warrick wasn't where he should have been."

"And what did you find out?" Ava asked.

"That he had a problem that needed addressing, which it was," I stated.

"Can you just get to the part when you met Dad?" Maddie asked impatiently.

"I'm getting there," I rolled my eyes.

"So I got this call from Grissom and I had to come and work with the number 2 crime lab in the country, even just the once."

"But it wasn't once, you stayed," Isla pointed out.

"Congratulations, genius," Dylan scoffed.

"Hey. I thought I was telling the story here?" I questioned, bringing their attention back to me.

"Yes," they grumbled.

"Now, I arrive in Vegas and make my way to a scene that Grissom is at. But he's not alone. That's when I first met your dad, as he brushed roof dust of his jeans," I smiled slyly at the memory.

"Was it love at first sight?" Isla asked, her eyes dancing with wonder.

"Honestly... No," I shrugged.

"No? What do you mean no?" Ava blurted out. "There must have been something there."

"And there was. I'm not saying I wasn't instantly attracted to him, because I was... I just didn't love him the moment I saw him. But the more I got to know him over the years I did love him, not like I do now, admittedly, but... But I loved him all the same," I signed somewhat contently.

"Like you loved him, you mean?" Maddie corrected me.

"Yeah... Past tense...," I nodded sadly.

"I don't care how you met, I still think it's sweet," Isla smiled.

I nodded, controlling my staggered breathing for a moment. "We, Uh...We sort of hit it off after that, became really good friends."

"And?" Dylan prompted me to continue.

"And... And, well, if I'm going to be honest with you then I'll have to admit that it did take getting a little bit drunk for us to reveal our true feelings for each other."

A little bit drunk? Not totally a lie...

"We were slightly ashamed that it took too much alcohol to actually make us take that first step but neither of us would have had it any other way. Things went fast; before we knew it I was pregnant with Ava and, I guess, the rest is history," I continued.

"Wow. Really?" Dylan wondered.

"Yep, really," I lied, hoping I sounded convincing.

"How come you've never told us before?" Maddie queried.

"You never asked."

Okay, so I hadn't been totally honest with them, but now wasn't the time for complete and total honesty. There was some truths in what I'd said, in most of what I'd said, apart from the main point, exactly how our relationship started. They didn't need to know now; Ava didn't need to know she was the reason her father and I got together, not now. And she definitely didn't need to know she was a by-product of one too many drinks. Not that we even saw it as that anymore. It was the day I truly understood how I felt about Nick; one of the best days of my life. And now he was gone.

"Ahh," I woke with a start, sweating, shivering slightly and breathing heavily.

"Sara?" Nick asked groggily. He sat up slightly, rubbing at his eyes so that they could focus on my face. He looked at me for a moment, confusion on his face as tears swelled in my eyes. "You okay?"

"No," I whispered, shaking my head as a single tear fell down my cheek.

"Hey, come here," Nick instructed, circling his arms around me and pulling me close. "It's okay. Ssshh, I'm here. It was just a bad dream."

Thank you for reading. You seriously didn't believe I would kill off Nick, did you? As if! Snickers works better when both Nick and Sara are still very much alive, and that's how they'll stay in this story. Oh, and I'm sorry it's so long. Review please.


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